Decisions?

Don't you think that one have to make tons of decision a day?
From the minute you open yr eyes in the morning, you have to decide if you are gonna snooze yr alarm another 10 minutes or to get up... till the time when you are going to close yr eyes to sleep you decide if you are ready to sleep or want to catch another 10minutes of TV.

I thought at first that my biggest decision that I will ever make in my life is on getting married. Now turns out that career's decision is also equally that important. How I decide which path to take in my career will affect the rest of my life.

I applied for a programme blindly not knowing what is required, with just an end in mind that IF I get it I will get to travel and be away from office for a whole month. Right before I clicked on "Submit" 1 month ago, I realized all my justifications on "why should I be chosen in this programme" is written wrongly and I simply re-wrote the whole thing within an hour, closed my eyes and pressed "submit". That goes to show how much I know about the programe itself.

Now that somehow somebody found the pin in the stack of hay, and gave the pin a chance to participate in the programme... I find myself stuck in a crossroad and constantly asking myself if I am really up for it and should I do it. There's so many other decisions in my life now with regards to my career and studies, and somehow...everything falls in at the same time! There's always never any right time for anything to happen huh...

It's you know..very often there are ppl who have been jobless and desperately looking for job for months and get no reply from anyone. But there will be a time when suddenly everyone calls up at the same time, and there's 5 offers layed down in front for that person to make a decision. Is this a way of life when God designs it that way to make us human beings think by placing us at crossroads and forced to make a decision for ourselves? each decision will lead us to different ending and will change everything from here.

I thought I would be pleased with the news, but somehow I'm not getting any reaction from Him. Is he upset? Is he proud of me? I don't know.... I know my 1st boss is happy for me.
Myself, I was happy initially, and then stoned...cos I would now not know how to arrange work during my absence and how tell my 2nd boss about this. Not only that, I have never ever been away from my hometown PJ for more then a week. And now I need to be thrown in a far away ctry for a month? All alone? and join forces teaming up with people from all over the world. I've never had to work with any foreigners before, and now I have to work with ALL foreigners and no other Malaysians? I know it's an extremely good exposures for ppl like me who has only stayed under the stone all my life.... but it is a damn scary experience for someone like me who is not considered that young anymore.

Where art thou? Guardian Angels.

"..Once lost, and now found"... forgot the rest of the lyrics to that song.....

Once lost my favourite stone, and now found 1 day later.
Once lost my favourite blinking watch, and found it back 1 year later.
Once gave away and seperated my 3 crystal angels, and it came back reunited 2 years later.
Lost friends, and found back 3 years later.

I'm very prone to losing stuff's, and somehow my guardian angel will help me to find it back.

Someone once looked at me, and said that I was spiritually strong & I have guardian angels looking after me. I was amazed at the part "spiritually strong", as I do not particularly pray every day, or go to church & listen attentively to Pastor every Sunday. But I believe in guardian angels since young. Always believed that they will look & take care of me.

Since young, I always imagined my guardian angel to be my husband. Someone whom I can count on & would always protect me. Wanna know what has happened?

I have a "Guardian" as a husband now...but not an angel. Guardian who says I cannot drink, cannot go out. Locked me in my room and only knows how to yell at me and force me to follow him home immediately, though I jst sat down less then 5 minutes with my friends. My Guardian doesn't care what others will see me as, or what others would think of him.

But I'm still....sane. Sane although having kept locked up in my room on a Saturday night after a shitty week, and another shitty week to come. I have all my angels keeping me happy at home.

1. My blue stone which I found back this morning, will protect me and make my work bearable and hopefully I can make a name for myself in my career. Hopefully I can find my path soon.
2. My 3 crystal angels reunited & looking at me on my work desk in my room, who gives me peace.
3. My 2 bigger fairies watching over me.
4. My Nemo and Dolphin on my bed to let me rest and sleep well at night
5. Tigger, my companion when I'm really down and cheers me up again.
6. My new Doggie arm rest who lets me punch & squeeze when I'm so worked out.

I love you all! Probably time to get myself a Fairy or Angel tatoo soon.

Maybe I'm not so sane now after all...

You got a friend

"When u are down and trouble, and u need a helping hand. And nothing and nothing is going right. Close yr eyes and think of me, and soon I will be there. To brighten up, even yr darkest nights.

You just call out my name. And u know wherever I am. I’ll come running. To see you again…

Winter, spring, summer or falls. All you gotta do is call. And I’ll b there.. u got a friend…"

A song which brings back great old memories. One of my long time favourite song. I thought it was a song shared, of ever lasting friendship.... turns out i was wrong. Nevertherless I still can't get this song out of my mind. It will still be one of my fav song and it still brings back memories.

Time seems to have flown by. I'm already into almost 1.5 years of married life. So much has happened.

Whatever has happened, has happened. Good to be kept near the heart, bad to be thrown away.

Good night

What is Marriage ?

Quote from a website I googled up today on "What is Marriage " :
"Remember that a successful marriage depends on two things: finding the right person and being the right person" quote. Do we really know the actual definition of a successful marriage?

Well..finding the right person, I think fits the category of a right husband. Being the right person? I think we are both never the right person. Do I really know the actual defination of a successful marriage? No. . . cos I do not feel at any point at all "successful".

In the website it also says :
"Marriage is like a good recipe whose main ingredients are love, commitment, understanding, concern and togetherness"
Can I say there is none of the above in this house which I'm staying in?

The article ended with :
A happy married life calls for constant commitment and concern for each other
Yes, he is constantly very commited to call me every hour to bug me to go home. . . is that what you call constant commitment and concern? Concern that by staying out late with his car, I may potentialy run into car burglary theft's and get his car stolen? It doesn't matter if I get robbed or raped or hurt. . . as long as the car is not injured then it is ok.

Wedding Bells

It has been ages since I last posted anything on this blog, until to the extend that I have actually forgotten my own username & password to access this blog.

Well, I somehow got married this year in January, and somehow can't help but to wonder. . . why?

Month of April held a lot of milestones in our life of being together. Events which happened in April :

It’s exactly 1 year ago when we broke the news to my parents that we wanted to get married. . .

About 1 year few weeks ago when he proposed to get married.

About 5 years since we met.

We got our own place to stay after marriage, and after 4 months of being married I have to say . . .

1. I’m exhausted of having to do house chores. Especially when you have married a clown who doesn’t lift a finger to help at all.

2. I’m feeling lifeless – After putting all my energy into work & the hse, and fact that I don’t have a car anymore now, I’ve stopped hanging out with my friends.

3. I’m wondering if I made the right choice. Partly is also because of the 1^st ‘exhaustion’ part + loads of other ‘things’ which he does at home which annoys me.

I do not see any joy in marriage, and this worries me. Is it norm

What is love?

I’ve just had this “sharing” session with a few new colleagues. I’m considered as a senior and I’ve just shared with them my knowledge. Just transfer knowledge skill… and being amazed at how much difference it made.

However, I wish also there’s someone to share with me information on this funny little thing called “love”.

How do you know if you are in love? How do you know if the other person loves you too? Where do communication, honesty and trust play in here?

Is it possible to still love if there’s no honesty and trust in there?

What does it take to make a relationship work?

There have been disappointments after disappointments. Have been there many times and I don’t know when will be the last. Is it really time for us both to move on, as what he has been emphasizing on lately.

For months I just wanted to find a time to talk. It’s either he avoids it, or he claims to be busy.

Already the whole world is telling “Common, pick yourself up and get on with life”. Is it just me endlessly complaining over nothing & making a fuss about nothing? Or is there really something there, just that none of us dares to look at it in the eye and tackle it yet.

I believe in Karma. This is something I believe to be… a payback for what I’ve done before in the past. I was given the best of everything, on top of the world, and I never appreciated anything.

Now that I’ve learn to appreciate things, but, I’m being kept in the dark.

Really unbelievable how God makes things work around. Karma… For all those people I have hurt before in the past, and u happen to stumble across my misery little blog here… I’m really sorry k.

Christmas Blues

2 Days before and I’m burning up a fever. 2 Days before Christmas and I’m feeling at the bottom of a pile of shit, all alone, cold and having endless viruses & bacteria’s attacking me from every corner.

Christmas is for a time for sharing and spending time together. I thought that ever since he had to travel around the world, barely being around in town, we could catch up some time and spend more time together this festive season.

But looks like I’m in for some disappointment.

Past 2 years around Christmas time, we used to go around to different shopping complexes to admire the decorations and to get gifts for his nephew, nieces and family together.

This year, he barely had time for us together. There was a time when he was busy with work, and we both went our own ways. A time when he was never around town as he needs to travel every few weeks, and we both went our own ways too. Also, there was a time he put me in quarantine for being sick. Weekends he goes back Sban, and if he’s not there in Sban, means he’s back to KL early to meet his friends somewhere. Is there any other time left for us anymore?

Gone were the days we used to take walk at parks, go swimming, play squash, hang out every Friday, walk at malls to shop together etc.

This year during Christmas season, he only accompanied me to Mid Valley on a Sunday, that was after I complained that he has time to go play badminton with his colleagues and had absolutely no time for me. The 2nd time was when I said I wanted to watch Eragon, he had no choice but to come out with me to 1Utama.

Other then that, there was no other initiative’s of hanging out with me. He told me to go myself to buy gifts for his parents and family. Who does that? My friend works in KL, and she only get's to see her bf on weekends back in Melaka. Yet, he tells her "don't worry, come back and we'll shop together, so we can choose together".

It’s Christmas, the time for sharing. And I have only myself to share with this year.

I thought the Friday b4 Christmas, will be our usual hang out night, and we can go somewhere together alone and spend time, admire Christmas decorations and get into the mood of Christmas (as that particular Friday I know I don’t have to stay late in office and can bla early). But it all got dashed when he told me he took leave on Friday and is going back Sban on Friday. Nothing else was told, and only much later he said he has caroling on Friday and was invited by some girls, that’s why he’s going back to Sban in the afternoon. Then the past 2 years? Church took leave and they didn’t do caroling? What makes this year special compared to past 2 years?

It was just plain curiousity I asked about caroling last night when he called. Just curious on how many people will be going, how they go, and how they know which house to go? Is it houses of church members? Houses they just simply knock and go in? Or houses of church members friends? Old folks? Orphanages? Whom he hangs out with? Who is the people closest to him in church? What made him go for caroling this year and not the past 2 years? I just wanted to know… and all he told me was “what’s the point of explaining to you when you don’t even know who or what I’m talking about?”

I just wanted to know more about Christianity, more about his life to share. And those are the typical answers I get. Else he will just rub me away by saying “U are so stupid, pointless talking to you. Chun tet”. I do ask questions like this to my other friends, I just wanna know more about Christianity, the different groups there are and the way things are done – marriage, funerals, gatherings etc. Is it something wrong to ask if you don’t know?

I feel exhausted. After whole year of him traveling around, I thought that in December at least he will be around town and we can hang out and have some quality time together before he starts flying around again. But looks like, I have myself to communicate this year.

After he told me he has to go back Sban for caroling and spending Christmas there, I agreed to let my parents plan for our own Christmas dinner here. After all things are planned with my family, there he comes and demanded that I go to Sban for dinner. Hello?? I cannot be on standby for you 24hours all the time.

I really feel exhausted and drained. I just want to love a person who loves me back too. At this point of time, I feel like I’m the one at the “one-sided love” end.
He says things like “I bring you out, and yet you still show me long face”. I thought he went out with me because he wanted to see me and to spend time with me, not just hanging out with me as though I begged him for his company.

Things like “You do / say that somemore, you see whether I will leave you or not? I will stop talking to you forever”. It’s as though I’m begging him to be with me, I’ll be his dog, his slave, whatever it is to keep him at my side. And he’s not with me, because he want’s to be with me. He’s with me just because I wanted to be with him, and he’s doing charity to be with him.

Last month, there was a time when I was confused and as moody as now. I prayed to God, I begged him to show me some directions of where I’m heading and where I should be going. I prayed to be shown some sort of signs before wishing goodbye to year 2006.

Nobody can ever understand God’s way of showing signs. I dare not to comment on the signs I see for myself now. I’m so afraid to think, and I really wish to turn back time to 1 or 2 year ago when everything was so perfect between us. When he was so sweet, caring and soft, and treated me like how any gentlemen would treat his girlfriends. Where every evening he would tell me stories of his day, and I would learn something about him everyday. Where I feel so close to him and as though we were soulmates. Where he tells me that he trust me, and I make absolutely sure that I do not breach his trust and tells him everything word for word.

But now he doesn't give a damn of what I do, and he proclaims that he does not trust me, which leads me to feel that.. "What is love without trust? since u do not trust me, no point in me being absolutely open & honest to you. Since you yrself have already shut me out of your life and not let me share anything of you anymore."

As usual I'll be the last to know anything. Plans of him going for carolling, I only got to know it on the Friday itself. I talk to him everyday, so it's impossible if he says he got no time to tell me about it earlier. I don't know if it's intentionally or unintentionally he told me so last minute... but the simple basic prinsip of life I always practise "If you treat me good, I'll treat you good. You tell me everything, I tell you everthing. You honest with me, I honest with you". That's all.

My yearly resolution, and the birthday wish I make every single year, I doubt he even has a clue on what I wish for every single year...